Moving on... Yeah right.

Watching porn at Lifeout has not been as pleasurable as it has been before: everytime I watch, I remember him. (No, not fantasizing!) Paranoia's hit me hard, making me think that one of his sexcapades has been filmed and here I am watching it. That's just sick, eeeeww... Sabi nga ni Shoti, napapraning na ako.

Oo na. Praning na ako. Sobrang praning.

Sabi ko nga, I always remember him. Tuwing nakakakita ng eroplano. Tuwing nakakakita ng kalesa. Tuwing nakakakita ng Buddha. Tuwing nakakarinig ng tungkol sa Alabang at sa mga lugar na malapit du'n. Pati 'yung latest episode ng Grey's Anatomy tungkol sa infidelity (of George O' Malley) napagdiskitahan ko. It seems that everything around me makes me remember all I know about him (or at least, all that I thought I knew about him...)

And now, as I write this entry, I have just watched an I Love Betty La Fea episode. Betty has just been dumped by Armando kasi pangit daw siya. I feel for Betty. I feel her wanting to have revenge by making herself more Betty-ful. Mabuhay ang mga pangit kagaya namin!

Sa totoo lang, I also wanted to avenge myself (and my damaged ego) But then again, kasalanan ko naman ang lahat. I drove him to his "madness". Besides, 'di ko rin alam kung paano gumanti? Lol. Kulamin pa niya ako.

Unlike Betty, I have lost the drive to improve myself. Wala na akong pag-asang magbago. Kahit anong pagpapanggap ang gawin ko na I'm a better person and all, ang totoo mananatili na akong ganito habang buhay. Madaling magtiwala, madaling maloko. Tahimik. Boring. Pangit.

O well. Ayoko nang magbago. I was born to be alone. To sulk. To regret. To pity, not just other people, but most importantly, myself.


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As much as I wanted to stay away, 'di ko pa rin magawa. Sabi ko nga sa kanya napakalaking effort para sa akin ang 'di siya i-text kahit minsan lang sa isang araw. Mukha na nga akong tanga. Marahil ginagawa ko 'to para mas lalo kong kaawaaan ang sarili ko.

This has already been the second time na nauwi sa kalokohan ang lahat between us. Pero bakit parang mas mahirap 'atang maka-get over ngayon? Di ba dapat mas sanay na 'ko? Siguro dahil, unlike dati (na bigla na lang siyang naglaho at tumigil sa pag-rereply), ngayon ay andiyan pa rin siya, nag-rereply at nag-tetext, hoping na we could be friends. Honestly, (at nasabi ko na sa kaniya 'to) I don't know if I'll ever think of him in some way other that my boyfriend (Ex-bf!) pero ayaw ko din namang bigla na lang siya ulit maglaho.

Defense mechanism ko na lang ngayon (para tuluyan nang mawalan ng pag-asa) ay ang isiping kaya siya nag-rereply ay dahil he's just playing around, nag-uubos ng sobrang load at naaawa sa kawawang nilalang na mukhang tanagang naghahabol (excuse me, hindi no...!?) sa kanya.


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I am currently thinking about the feasibility of secluding myself. Parang hermit lang. Hermit the Frog.